There was this small town in one of those American states called Shook-Up. They were aware of the cancer scare for generations untold. So they decide to be a smoke-free environment. They had not had a cancer death caused cigarette for many a year. They were no longer afraid of cigarettes. They were band from the town. You could not get a cigarette to save your life there. Not in this town.
One day this certain traveler had no choice but to pass through this town to reach his destination. Seeing that he was short on cigarettes he stopped by a nearby convenience store. He was a little hungry as well so he ordered a hot dog. He then walked over to the refrigeration section to get a soda, He wanted all that and a bag of chips.
The proprietor noticed something. The traveler had a particularly unpleasant odor as he passed by him to gather his goods. He did not take much interest in the smell seeing as he was unfamiliar with the scent. The traveler walked back to the counter and asked for a generic brand of cigarettes. His breath hit the proprietor full blast this time. Suddenly he dropped dead and fell to the floor backwards.
Stunned, the traveler did not know what to do. He felt for his pulse and there was none to be found. He thought, “I better call 911” so he rushed to the phone on the wall next to the magazine rack.
Operator: 911. Please state the reason for your call.
Traveler: I was talking to the guy behind the counter while paying for my goods. And all of a sudden he fell over backwards. I think he's dead!
Operator: Please calm down sir. I'll send someone over right away. Don't touch anything until they arrive.
Traveler: Yes Mam.
In the mean time, other customers began to come into the convenience store. As he began to explain what happened to each and every one of them, each and every one of the dropped dead falling backwards. There must have been five of them. He heard the sirens approaching from afar. He was really afraid now. Were they going to blame him for all of these deaths? There were no visible signs of injuries. It is not like he physically attacked them and killed them. So he decided to hold his peace as best he could until the authorities arrived.
The police arrived and a single ambulance.
A Police Officer: What seems to be the problem here sir?
They did not readily notice the five dead bodies on the floor for the traveler was the only one standing. Then they look towards the floor. The Police Officers drew their guns.
The Police Officers: Hold it right there and don't move a muscle.
Traveler: Look officers, I just came in here to buy something to eat and some cigarettes. They are still on the counter. Then all these people started dropping dead. First the guy at the counter.
A Police Officer: Officer O’Malley, go check behind the counter.
Officer O’Malley: There is a man behind the counter and he appears to be dead. There is no sign of violence just like the others here. Better have the Paramedics check them out.
Paramedics: Yeah, they're dead as a door nail all right.
So one of the Paramedics went to use the phone next to the magazine rack to call the town Morgue When he lifted up the receiver and placed the receiver near his lips, he dropped dead and fell over backwards. In the confusion the traveler slipped out of the door unnoticed. By now a huge crowd had gathered around the store. It was difficult to get past anyone without saying something to them or get past anyone without touching them. When he looked back there was a trail of dead bodies. They had dropped dead and fallen over backwards just like those in the convenience store.
Traveler: I'm getting out of this town. They are dropping like flies damn, and I didn't even get my pack of cigarettes! Well I'm not going back inside to get any.
With so many people dead and dying, word reached the White House. The President had to take time out from playing B-Ball address the situation. He had a custom built Basket Ball court attached to the White House for easy access to the Oval Office. The briefing was scheduled for his impending arrival.
Secretary General: Mr. President, there is problem of epidemic proportions taking place in this small town in one of those
American states called Shook-Up. I think it to be of national concern.
Press Secretary: I think it would be a great photo opportunity as well Mr. President. There is an election coming up soon for the Congress and the Senate. For those who hope to garner your support for their re-election this would be beneficial as well.
Obama: I guess I'll put on my Air Force Ones. Ready the plane.
He looked over at his wife.
Obama: Honey, I'm going to be out of town for a few days. Hold down the fort while I'm gone. Will you Baby?
Obama Momma: OK Baby. While you are there could you pick up a couple things for me and the girls?
Obama: OK Baby.
White house Staff: Oh, that's so cute.
Obama: Knock it off you guys. I is the President.
The White House Staff: Yes Sir!
As they were flying through the air at top speed Air Force One spewed out tons of cancer causing carbon dioxide. The President had twin tail pipes, or dual exhaust pipes specially designed and added to Air Force One as one of his many perks. Rank has its privileges. He is after all the Commander and Chief of the most powerful and riches nation ever known to mankind. Money is no object to him (Got Money?). Man that Jet sounds nice now when he does a fly by. Obama sat in the back, moon roof top, digging the scene, with a gangster lean (Owe, Owe, Me), smoking a cigarette.
Air Force One landed at the airport nearest to the little town called Shook-Up and he deplaned. The Press Secretary had a speech prepared for him. The two Teleprompters he read from were in there strategic locations just out of view of the camera's. He began to speak to the huge crowd that was awaiting his arrival. Nothing like being prepared, he always said to himself. He isn't into Bushisms.
He began by saying.
Obama: Give a toast to the Bush Man. Give a toast to the Cheney.
Give a toast to the House Reps. To anyone you can.
And suddenly, people in the huge crowd listening to Obama's speech began to drop dead and fall over backwards, slain.
Obama: I better call the Press Secretary. My speech couldn't be boring them could it. I haven't gotten to the good part yet.
The Press Secretary is instantly on the line. After all this is a live broadcast across the nation. They can't use the five minute delay because Obama has only spoken for three minutes. It was put in place one Super Bowl Sunday some years ago When Timberlake opened Janet Jackson's jacket. That incident caused a great disturbance across America because the media reported that her breast was exposed. Millions scrambled to see it on Youtube where you could see it on Youtube but it couldn’t be seen at all. It wasn't exposed. The slow version finally came out on Youtube. Was this Sensationalism or Inplacetionalism. Well you will never see President Ford fall off the stage again in front of the cameras. I think he may be too old for that S---, stuff. Timberlake has become a success and Janet is still looking for work. Perhaps she lost control. Yeah, Yeah, Yean, Yeah, Yeah.
After all the brew-ha-ha and build up for this broadcast the White house can't say the President never showed up. They can't roll the backup tape, for it would not show the towns people who showed up to hear his speech. There just wasn't enough time. It was inconceivable that this would occur after the disaster of epidemic proportions that had just taken place hours ago in this little town called Shook-Up. Being a quick wit the Press Secretary had this to say.
Press Secretary: Mr. President. It is a tough act following the Super Bowl incident years ago but I have an idea. Tell the people you have been following Benny Hinn for a long time and people are sometimes slain in the spirit when you blow on them. Blow a couple of more times and when they are slain I will broadcast some good Church music. I got this tape from Reverend Right's Church I've been dying to broadcast. This is a good one though, it's just the choir singing. Just think how the people will be bowled over seeing you have made amends with Reverend Right and have become a Charismatic Preacher/President as well!
Obama: Hey, good thinking. Now they may believe I'm not only the first Black President of these here American states, but the first Charismatic Christian Preacher too. Eat your heart out 500 Club President Pat Robinson. You tried to be President of America and you failed. I'll confess that after this experience that I was wrong, that this is a Christian nation after all. For dramatic effect I'll take my pack of cigarettes out of my pocket, crush them, stomp up and down on that devil's head, and shout at the top of my lungs,
I AM FINALLY FREE FROM SMOKING!
I will then leave the crushed pack of cigarettes on the stage floor, walk off the stage with my head bowed down, slowly and humbly. You, Camera Man. Your job is extremely important. Make sure the cameras stay focused on me and not the crowd in front of the stage. Got it?
Camera Man: Got it sir!
Obama: Secretary of State. Got it?
Secretary of State: Got it sir!
When he returned to the White a formal investigation had been completed.
Secretary General: As it turns out a smoker who was traveling through this town called Shook-Up, where no one has smoked for generations, caused many to die of second hand smoke inhalation and The Dreaded Nicotine Residue on surfaces people came in contact with. Your visit exacerbated the epidemic to monumental proportions when you exhaled being a cigarette smoker yourself. Many are dead and dying. We have sent in a cleanup crew to remove the Dreaded Cigarette Nicotine residue off every surface in the vicinity of the two incidents. We have managed to keep it hush hush and under raps. We blamed it on the Swine Flu epidemic. The Towns People had not taken their flu shots yet seeing the anti-virus was in short supply at the time. The President was asked to make a short speech before the nation again.
It is at this sad moment in American history that I am compelled to come before you. I have been to the little town of Shook-up myself in one of those American states. Believe you me, we are doing all we can to help them. The matter is under control. Let all the nation take time to pray in silence. The TV screens across these American states suddenly fade to black.